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Okay, okay okay.
As New England sports fans we have to take action, and take it now. No procrastinating, do it, and do it now. These are dark times. Dark, painful times. The gut-wrenching ALCS against Tampa in '08. The flaccid exit against the Angels last year. Brady's knee. The Patriots stomach-punch loss in the Superbowl. The inexplicable loss to a violently mediocre Baltimore team last night.
Something, my dear Watson, is up.
In times like this it is easy to lash out and lay the blame on other people, or unusual circumstances, or whatever. That's lazy thinking, you have to take a look at yourself and see what you can do to reverse the situation. In this case, it is blatantly obvious. The Sports Karma Gods are not angry at the Patriots or the Red Sox. They are not angry at Johnny Lester, Randy Moss or Vinnie Wilfork.
They are angry at me and you, the average, Joe-Punter, man on the street New England Sports fans. And they are punishing us.
Top of my head answer, a few years of arrogance, a few years of complacency and self righteousness, plus we are all guilty of making fun of lesser opponents, you know, since the Patriots and Red Sox started kicking ass and taking names.
We have been wallowing in our success and we are all to blame for the Sports Karma Gods exacting a painful and prolonged toll on the New England sports fan base worldwide.
It is time to act. We need to reverse this trend. The sooner we act the sooner we can go back to enjoying The Patriots and Sox enjoying some success. To this end, New England Sports fans need to wake up tomorrow determined to address the imbalance of Karma in our sporting lives. Below is a list of suggestions toward that goal.
Reverse the Karma!
Commiserate with a Phillies fan.
This act alone could push us all over the top and back to Karmic balance of some sorts. The most negative fan base in the entire universe, the Phillies fans are currently coming to terms with their own failures, in the most recent World Series. Helping them deal with their angst and pain is the kind of act that can only help New England Sports Nation gobble up the Karma points.
Avoid the teachings of one young Daniel Shaughnessy.
On no account should you read anything written by Dan Shaughnessy. Ever. The man is pure poison. You know they say some people are 'glass half empty'? Shaughnessy empties the glass, stamps on it, picks up the pieces and throws them off a fifty foot building. If you are ever on the fence about suicide, just lock yourself in a room with a cyanide tablet and 500 pages of Shaughnessy and, well, let's just say the job will get done. Shaughnessy is one of the few New Englanders that actually enjoyed yesterdays game.
Be nice to someone from New York.
Oh God this one could hurt, but, just think of the return to Karmic balance and that should get you through this act. Befriend a random New Yorker. At first they will maintain a certain wary distance, but just drop in a few lines like 'I always liked Derek Jeter' and 'hey, the Knicks are really starting to show a few signs of life!' and they will be eating our of your palm in minutes.
Make jokes with the Schadenfreude people.
There are a certain element of idiots out there who, rather than just enjoy watching NFL games, go out of their way to adopt teams where they celebrate when they lose. Generally these are sad little people with no lives who get off on other peoples disappointment more so than anything positive going on in their lives. It is remarkably easy to turn the tables on these fart-knockers. When they make fun of the Sox or Patriots, make jokes with them! This completely handcuffs them and they are left with a blank look of frustration and little else.
Root for a few underdogs.
This never hurts. Adopt an underdog in every tournament you watch in the next few months. if you are strong enough mentally, adopt the Jets as a Superbowl team. Yes, I know, terrifically hard to do, I doubt I have the mental fortitude to root for Rex 'Where the fuck is my cheeseburger' Ryan, but there may be some brave souls out there up to the task.
Do not boo at the home team. Ever.
Just, don't do it.
Finally, the most confusing thing I will say to you all day. Take some enjoyment from the bad times. Find something to think about from the recent losses. I either heard this as a quote from Buddha or out of a fortune cookie, can't remember which, but the basic theory is; ''Hardships are necessary for you to be patient and to gain strength''. The Red Sox are the best example here. That 2004 ALCS and subsequent World Series win felt good, real good. It did so for a reason, namely the years of barren, trophy less ineptitude that went before the final act. Without those years of abject baseball misery, the '04 Series win simply would not have tasted so bloody good.
If all else fails, open up a good Christmas Claret (Thanks, Dad), put on some beautiful music and remember the Patriots are absolutely stacked with high draft picks and have a pretty decent team already, and the Red Sox are jam packed with superstar young talent and set to overtake the ageing, free-agent heavy Yankees any season soon. Plus, Johnny P is angry. Like, real angry. Good times not too far ahead.
The start is a bit jaunty, however from the 3:00 minute mark on it takes off, I would love to know what a Classical music guru thought of this section. Would this stand up at all? Maybe not, but hey, I like it.