Monday, July 08, 2013

Translating Slim Thug's courting of Dwight Howard

With the news that Dwight Howard has 'chosen' to play for Houston, time to look back and translate some related Tweets from last week, pre 'decision'. 

Dwight Howard


And so it came to pass. Dwight Howard, he of the absolutely enormous ego and yet questionable fortitude, has 'selected' Houston as his landing spot for the next part of his painfully dissected NBA journey.

Since Howard chose Houston over a few other teams, including the Lakers, we have to examine the impetus behind this decision and subsequent change of scenery. One of the potential catalysts to the move was noted Houston area rap artist, 'Slim Thug'. Mr Thug sent Howard a slew of messages on the social networking site Twitter, urging him to come to Houston.

The 'tweets' are all written in the modern vernacular of 'the streets' and thus largely incomprehensible to the average human being.

We approached noted linguist, professor of Modern English, Oxford University, Dr Henry Moorhen Winterbottom the second, to help us understand the tweets in full. Here’s what he came back with in terms of translations.

Please note the language used by Slim Thug might be offensive to some, so if you think this might be you, please go here instead and have a nice day.

Otherwise, let's dive right in.

 
Dr Winterbottom: Here we find Mr Thug asking Mr Howard if he is going to travel to Houston and he attempts to cajole the latter by saying 'we got ya', or, 'We have your back'. Mr Thug then proceeds to imply that noted basketball player Kobe Bryant is going to 'act like a girl' and appropriate blame for poor performances on Mr Howard.

 
Dr Winterbottom: This Tweet translates literally to 'Houston is a grounded area in which to live, and you can purchase property cheaper here (than in LA). I can help you meeting the ladies, do ensure your decision is a good one'.  

 
Dr Winterbottom: In this Tweet Mr Thug asks Mr Howard if he has been to either of two gentleman's clubs in Houston. Mr Thug then implies that the ladies who dance in those clubs are superior in Houston to those in LA. We are unsure what metrics he is using as the basis for this analysis.
 
 
Dr Winterbottom: The literal translation here is 'Both Houston and LA have serious social issues, however those same issues are statistically worse in LA than in the former'. It would be interesting to note which sociological journal Mr Thug is basing this analysis on. 

 
Dr Winterbottom: 'Inferior alcoholic beverages are cheaper in Houston area clubs than in their LA counterparts. This statement is particularly true when you take into account state taxes and (no translation required finally on this word) indeed in the case of gratuity'. 
 
 
Dr Winterbottom: 'The Mall called the 'Galleria' is an enjoyable place to visit, my fellow, almost all of the stores in one particular part are populated with many aesthetically appealing women with questionable motivees, morals and who are potentially in the possession of a police record'.

 
Dr Winterbottom: This was a challenging one, Mr Thug appears to be suggesting that because the NFL team 'The Texans' are also in the Houston area, there is not as much pressure on Mr Howard to deliver a title. This statement would appear erroneous on many levels, from the fact that the Texans will not be winning a Superbowl any time soon, to the unusual concession that Mr Howard doesn't need to win a ring. What exactly does Mr Thug want from Mr Howard, as a Rocket? He finishes with the statement 'the people of LA are going to be unhappy with you if you don't win (a ring)' Judging by this, it would appear Mr Thug is suggesting it is okay to fail in Houston. In his defence, it is the home of the Astros.

 
Dr Winterbottom: Mr Thug finishes his pitch by suggesting you can break the law in Houston. The authorities would probably have a thing or two to say about this.



Mr Slim Thug
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