Well now what do we have here, nothing much, just an ALCS tied at 4-4 in the ninth inning all the way from home of the Los Angeles Angels of the county of Anaheim in the State of California in the country of the United States. To give them their full name, of course.
To bring you up to speed, not much has happened so far. Only about seventy five solo shot home runs, fifteen hundred base running mistakes by the Angels, seventy billion sycophantic Yankee references from the Fox commentary team, thirty two billion throws to first by sixty four year old Andy Pettite, many, many concerned, furrowed brow-looks by Mark 'My wife lets me know where I am playing baseball' Texiera and me remembering how much I hate the New York Yankees.
Apart from that. Not much. And absolutely no ape like fist thumping celebrations from Jibba Jobba Flabba Chamberlein, as he was slapped around like a rag doll.
Let's cut the chit chat and get right down to action
Top of the Ninth
New York 4
The Los Angeles Angels of the county of Anaheim in the State of California in the country of the United States 4
If you had to say which team had the momentum right now, at this very point, you would have to say New York. They tied it with a solo shot off the bat of Jor-Gay Posada and then they threw Bobby Abreu out at second to completely deflate the Angels in the bottom of the eighth.
So now here we are, in the ninth inning of the game that might decide whether the ALCS is a decent series, or the most boring ALCS since the dawn of time. Fuentes, the Angels 'closer' decides to tease everyone who isn't a Yankees fan by getting an easy first out, Johnny Damon grounding feebly to second.
One away.
The Fox crew are still salivating over Jeter tagging Abreu out at second in the big play in the bottom of eight. Buck's sycophantic ramblings know no bounds.
Fuentes is acting like an honest to goodness, bona-fide closer as he strikes out Texiera. A-Rod up, and Fox immediately replay A-Fraud's pop-up/home-run two nights ago. Is it just me or is A-Rod getting a little pudgy? Those pin stripes getting a little snug around the waistline? I don't know, what do you think?
Oh no wait that's A-Rod when he was married, not with his wife in a night club. Fuentes walks A-Fraud, possibly just to make sure A-Fraud doesn't try to slap the ball out of his hand running down the first base line. Fuentes then, and let's give the man his due here, absolutely abuses an completely over matched Jerry Hairston on three pitches, and we go to the bottom of the ninth. Joe Buck could not be less excited. Seriously, huge out, the Angels fans going nuts, and Buck completely dead-pans, 'and there's a big out, we go to the ninth yawn yawn'. For all baseball fans around the globe, who want to see a good game and are not sexually aroused by Derek Jeter or A-Fraud, as it would appear Buck needs to be, in order to make a decent, lively call, fuck you Joe Buck, Fuck you, go to bed, let someone else call the game if you aren't in the slightest bit interested.
Seriously, get this gimp, this completely deluded and ineffectual 'commentator' off the air. I wasn't angry tonight until his awful, truly terrible call on Aybar's double earlier on, when he barely raised his voice at all.
Also, Buck, lay off the spray tan, you look like a ripe orange.
Bottom of the Ninth
New York 4
The Los Angeles Angels of the county of Anaheim in the State of California in the country of the United States 4
Reasons why sports coverage in the States sucks - reason 4,654; I do not care that the new episode of 'House' is on Fox after the game. I do not give a flying fuck. Joe Buck, I tell you this much, Joe Buck is not going to get me interested in watching 'House' even if I was watching American Television!! Joe Buck!! Joe Buck couldn't get me interested in watching my own death, live on Television! If anything I would fall asleep, infected with his special, unenthused, dead drone of a voice.
Before I even get out of that mind set the Angels have made two quick outs. This game stinks like extra innings. Will the Angels have the testicular fortitude to make it out of extras? Well, we're about to find out, as the player formerly known as Bill Simmons favourite fantasy baseball sleeper, Howie Kendrick, pops it up. Way up. Too high, as they say. Extras.
Top of ten
New York 4
The Los Angeles Angels of the county of Anaheim in the State of California in the country of the United States 4
Hey, hey, it's Jor-Gay! And then about fifteen really sleazy, unsettling and awkward seconds of Kate Hudson who appears to be sitting in the Yankee dugout? Maybe not in the dugout but it sure looks like it. Wait, why are they showing Hudson when Jor-Gay is at the plate? Isn't she A-Fraud's squeeze? Maybe she is playing the field, and, maybe that's why she is completely hated amongst the Yankees wives? Maybe we're on to something here. Maybe I should pay more attention to the game you say, well, I would, if Fox would stop shoving Kate Hudson in my face.
Okay. I would actually fight Joe Buck if he was here right now, spray tan on my hands be damned. The Angels strike out Jor-Gay, a huge out, the crowd goes ballistic, and Buck dead-pans 'Yawn, stretch, that's - covers his mouth and yawns - a big out'. I would like to punch Joe Buck right in the face, right now.
Cano grounds out, and there's two away faster than you can say 'Kate Hudson'.
Do the Yankees actually know, are they aware, that Nick Swisher plays for them? They're comfortable with this, seriously?
Okay, someone needs to get Joe Buck off the air. Bolger drops a sweet, sweet, spinning curve on Swisher for the big strikeout, and we get nothing, nothing from Buck, who simply continues on talking as if nothing just happened. It isn't even funny at this stage. Get Joe Buck off the air and let us enjoy big plays in the baseball postseason, even if the Yankees don't make them,
Bottom of the tenth
New York 4
The Los Angeles Angels of the county of Anaheim in the State of California in the country of the United States 4
This is, even if Joe Buck doesn't want to admit it, a great game. This could, possibly, reignite an otherwise dead horse of an ALCS.
Hughes to Mathis. Mariano warming up in the 'pen. The Angels might want to get a runner or nine on before Mariano comes out.
Hey, need base-runners? Mathis smashes a big double to dead center. Runner on, no outs. Beautiful. I don't even care that Buck barely even raised his voice yet again, the enthusiastic Angels crowd actually drowned him out. Come on now halos, get the run home. All is forgiven for trashing the Red Sox like they didn't even exist. I am even willing to embrace the rally monkey.
Now for some drama, here comes Mariano!
You couldn't set this up better. Runner on second, no outs, the Angels fighting for their playoff lives, the greatest closer of all time on the hill for the Yankees.
Aybar up first. Strike one painted on the outside corner. BUNT, Mariano fields it, spins and throws to third, and throws the ball away!! Goodness gracious. It's in the dirt and A-Fraud can't pick it. Safe at third, safe at first. Wait, Mathis is still running? Surely the Angels have a spare catcher on the bench, no?
Runners at the corners no outs! This is more like it, welcome to the 2009 ALCS!
Ground ball to first, hit so hard that the big fat catcher at third has to stop and hold - I repeat - WHY ARE THE ANGELS NOT PINCH RUNNING HERE!! If that run doesn't score we could be watching the greatest choke in ALCS history. Oh no, wait, that was 2004, but, this would be close.
Buck and Carver suddenly realise Mathis is not being pinch-ran for and start freaking out, really calmly, if that makes sense. One away, intentional walk, bases juiced with Halos. By the way, 'House' is coming up next, except on the West Coast.
How symmetrical and beautiful, Tori Hunter is the batter to face Mariano with the Angels season on the line. Ball two, Hunter draws two inside and Mariano is going to have to challenge him. Cutter inside, two and one. Sweeping cut fastball outside, 2-2 just like that. Ground ball to first and suddenly the Angels are in deep, deep trouble. All of a sudden there is two away. Big Bad Vlad is the man at the plate.
Ball inside, will Vlad be patient?
No, big messy, off balance swing on the second pitch, 1-1.
Chopped to the right side, simple ground ball to first. The Angels completely and utterly choke the inning, and possibly the game away. Godzilla like momentum swing towards the Yankees.
Top of the eleventh
New York 4
The Los Angeles Angels of the county of Anaheim in the State of California in the country of the United States 4
Still can't believe the Halos didn't pinch run for their slow, fat catcher. First and third, nobody out, and they can't get a run in. That's not going to get the job done.
Ervin Santana to the hill for the Halos. he better get some quick outs here or its game over for Anaheim. Melky Cabrera grounds feebly to second for the first out, a welcome sight for all baseball fans around the globe. Jeter, one pitch, second out. Santana might swing this back in the Angels favour.
...and he does with a 'K' to end the top of the inning.
Bottom of eleven
New York 4
The Los Angeles Angels of the county of Anaheim in the State of California in the country of the United States 4
Okay enough screwing around Angels, get the job done this time. I have had enough of Joe Buck's lifeless 'commentary' for one night. Juan Rivera first up, he who does not lay out for pop ups down the left field line, if you recall.
Can someone move Scott Boras from behind home plate? I am tired of seeing his fat, ugly head during every at bat. Thanks!
Rivera grounds out to Jeter.
The game hits 4:13 mins.
Morales pops up, two away. Hey, hey, Howie, how about knocking one out? Howie Kendrick at the bat. Interesting move now, a case possibly of Joe Girardi micro-managing? The Angels looked clueless against Dave Robertson however Girardi (is there a less likeable manager in baseball?) takes him out. Kendrick smashes the ball up the middle, and the Yankees suddenly realise they only have Chad Gaudin left in the 'pen.
Jeff Mathis at the plate.
BOMB to left field, smashes against the left field wall, what a drive by Mathis, Kendrick charges around third and LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE HAVE OURSELVES AN ALCS! Yes! Nice job by Mathis! Let us never forget the horrible job of micro-managing by Joe Girardi!
What a way to win, the sound off the bat as Mathis drove the ball was worth hanging around for itself!
ALCS? I got your ALCS right here, baby! Night.
To bring you up to speed, not much has happened so far. Only about seventy five solo shot home runs, fifteen hundred base running mistakes by the Angels, seventy billion sycophantic Yankee references from the Fox commentary team, thirty two billion throws to first by sixty four year old Andy Pettite, many, many concerned, furrowed brow-looks by Mark 'My wife lets me know where I am playing baseball' Texiera and me remembering how much I hate the New York Yankees.
Apart from that. Not much. And absolutely no ape like fist thumping celebrations from Jibba Jobba Flabba Chamberlein, as he was slapped around like a rag doll.
Let's cut the chit chat and get right down to action
Top of the Ninth
New York 4
The Los Angeles Angels of the county of Anaheim in the State of California in the country of the United States 4
If you had to say which team had the momentum right now, at this very point, you would have to say New York. They tied it with a solo shot off the bat of Jor-Gay Posada and then they threw Bobby Abreu out at second to completely deflate the Angels in the bottom of the eighth.
So now here we are, in the ninth inning of the game that might decide whether the ALCS is a decent series, or the most boring ALCS since the dawn of time. Fuentes, the Angels 'closer' decides to tease everyone who isn't a Yankees fan by getting an easy first out, Johnny Damon grounding feebly to second.
One away.
The Fox crew are still salivating over Jeter tagging Abreu out at second in the big play in the bottom of eight. Buck's sycophantic ramblings know no bounds.
Fuentes is acting like an honest to goodness, bona-fide closer as he strikes out Texiera. A-Rod up, and Fox immediately replay A-Fraud's pop-up/home-run two nights ago. Is it just me or is A-Rod getting a little pudgy? Those pin stripes getting a little snug around the waistline? I don't know, what do you think?
Oh no wait that's A-Rod when he was married, not with his wife in a night club. Fuentes walks A-Fraud, possibly just to make sure A-Fraud doesn't try to slap the ball out of his hand running down the first base line. Fuentes then, and let's give the man his due here, absolutely abuses an completely over matched Jerry Hairston on three pitches, and we go to the bottom of the ninth. Joe Buck could not be less excited. Seriously, huge out, the Angels fans going nuts, and Buck completely dead-pans, 'and there's a big out, we go to the ninth yawn yawn'. For all baseball fans around the globe, who want to see a good game and are not sexually aroused by Derek Jeter or A-Fraud, as it would appear Buck needs to be, in order to make a decent, lively call, fuck you Joe Buck, Fuck you, go to bed, let someone else call the game if you aren't in the slightest bit interested.
Seriously, get this gimp, this completely deluded and ineffectual 'commentator' off the air. I wasn't angry tonight until his awful, truly terrible call on Aybar's double earlier on, when he barely raised his voice at all.
Also, Buck, lay off the spray tan, you look like a ripe orange.
Bottom of the Ninth
New York 4
The Los Angeles Angels of the county of Anaheim in the State of California in the country of the United States 4
Reasons why sports coverage in the States sucks - reason 4,654; I do not care that the new episode of 'House' is on Fox after the game. I do not give a flying fuck. Joe Buck, I tell you this much, Joe Buck is not going to get me interested in watching 'House' even if I was watching American Television!! Joe Buck!! Joe Buck couldn't get me interested in watching my own death, live on Television! If anything I would fall asleep, infected with his special, unenthused, dead drone of a voice.
Before I even get out of that mind set the Angels have made two quick outs. This game stinks like extra innings. Will the Angels have the testicular fortitude to make it out of extras? Well, we're about to find out, as the player formerly known as Bill Simmons favourite fantasy baseball sleeper, Howie Kendrick, pops it up. Way up. Too high, as they say. Extras.
Top of ten
New York 4
The Los Angeles Angels of the county of Anaheim in the State of California in the country of the United States 4
Hey, hey, it's Jor-Gay! And then about fifteen really sleazy, unsettling and awkward seconds of Kate Hudson who appears to be sitting in the Yankee dugout? Maybe not in the dugout but it sure looks like it. Wait, why are they showing Hudson when Jor-Gay is at the plate? Isn't she A-Fraud's squeeze? Maybe she is playing the field, and, maybe that's why she is completely hated amongst the Yankees wives? Maybe we're on to something here. Maybe I should pay more attention to the game you say, well, I would, if Fox would stop shoving Kate Hudson in my face.
Okay. I would actually fight Joe Buck if he was here right now, spray tan on my hands be damned. The Angels strike out Jor-Gay, a huge out, the crowd goes ballistic, and Buck dead-pans 'Yawn, stretch, that's - covers his mouth and yawns - a big out'. I would like to punch Joe Buck right in the face, right now.
Cano grounds out, and there's two away faster than you can say 'Kate Hudson'.
Do the Yankees actually know, are they aware, that Nick Swisher plays for them? They're comfortable with this, seriously?
Okay, someone needs to get Joe Buck off the air. Bolger drops a sweet, sweet, spinning curve on Swisher for the big strikeout, and we get nothing, nothing from Buck, who simply continues on talking as if nothing just happened. It isn't even funny at this stage. Get Joe Buck off the air and let us enjoy big plays in the baseball postseason, even if the Yankees don't make them,
Bottom of the tenth
New York 4
The Los Angeles Angels of the county of Anaheim in the State of California in the country of the United States 4
This is, even if Joe Buck doesn't want to admit it, a great game. This could, possibly, reignite an otherwise dead horse of an ALCS.
Hughes to Mathis. Mariano warming up in the 'pen. The Angels might want to get a runner or nine on before Mariano comes out.
Hey, need base-runners? Mathis smashes a big double to dead center. Runner on, no outs. Beautiful. I don't even care that Buck barely even raised his voice yet again, the enthusiastic Angels crowd actually drowned him out. Come on now halos, get the run home. All is forgiven for trashing the Red Sox like they didn't even exist. I am even willing to embrace the rally monkey.
Now for some drama, here comes Mariano!
You couldn't set this up better. Runner on second, no outs, the Angels fighting for their playoff lives, the greatest closer of all time on the hill for the Yankees.
Aybar up first. Strike one painted on the outside corner. BUNT, Mariano fields it, spins and throws to third, and throws the ball away!! Goodness gracious. It's in the dirt and A-Fraud can't pick it. Safe at third, safe at first. Wait, Mathis is still running? Surely the Angels have a spare catcher on the bench, no?
Runners at the corners no outs! This is more like it, welcome to the 2009 ALCS!
Ground ball to first, hit so hard that the big fat catcher at third has to stop and hold - I repeat - WHY ARE THE ANGELS NOT PINCH RUNNING HERE!! If that run doesn't score we could be watching the greatest choke in ALCS history. Oh no, wait, that was 2004, but, this would be close.
Buck and Carver suddenly realise Mathis is not being pinch-ran for and start freaking out, really calmly, if that makes sense. One away, intentional walk, bases juiced with Halos. By the way, 'House' is coming up next, except on the West Coast.
How symmetrical and beautiful, Tori Hunter is the batter to face Mariano with the Angels season on the line. Ball two, Hunter draws two inside and Mariano is going to have to challenge him. Cutter inside, two and one. Sweeping cut fastball outside, 2-2 just like that. Ground ball to first and suddenly the Angels are in deep, deep trouble. All of a sudden there is two away. Big Bad Vlad is the man at the plate.
Ball inside, will Vlad be patient?
No, big messy, off balance swing on the second pitch, 1-1.
Chopped to the right side, simple ground ball to first. The Angels completely and utterly choke the inning, and possibly the game away. Godzilla like momentum swing towards the Yankees.
Top of the eleventh
New York 4
The Los Angeles Angels of the county of Anaheim in the State of California in the country of the United States 4
Still can't believe the Halos didn't pinch run for their slow, fat catcher. First and third, nobody out, and they can't get a run in. That's not going to get the job done.
Ervin Santana to the hill for the Halos. he better get some quick outs here or its game over for Anaheim. Melky Cabrera grounds feebly to second for the first out, a welcome sight for all baseball fans around the globe. Jeter, one pitch, second out. Santana might swing this back in the Angels favour.
...and he does with a 'K' to end the top of the inning.
Bottom of eleven
New York 4
The Los Angeles Angels of the county of Anaheim in the State of California in the country of the United States 4
Okay enough screwing around Angels, get the job done this time. I have had enough of Joe Buck's lifeless 'commentary' for one night. Juan Rivera first up, he who does not lay out for pop ups down the left field line, if you recall.
Can someone move Scott Boras from behind home plate? I am tired of seeing his fat, ugly head during every at bat. Thanks!
Rivera grounds out to Jeter.
The game hits 4:13 mins.
Morales pops up, two away. Hey, hey, Howie, how about knocking one out? Howie Kendrick at the bat. Interesting move now, a case possibly of Joe Girardi micro-managing? The Angels looked clueless against Dave Robertson however Girardi (is there a less likeable manager in baseball?) takes him out. Kendrick smashes the ball up the middle, and the Yankees suddenly realise they only have Chad Gaudin left in the 'pen.
Jeff Mathis at the plate.
BOMB to left field, smashes against the left field wall, what a drive by Mathis, Kendrick charges around third and LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE HAVE OURSELVES AN ALCS! Yes! Nice job by Mathis! Let us never forget the horrible job of micro-managing by Joe Girardi!
What a way to win, the sound off the bat as Mathis drove the ball was worth hanging around for itself!
ALCS? I got your ALCS right here, baby! Night.
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