''I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.'' Well, the upcoming series between Boston and New York (starting next Tuesday) is 'kind of a big deal'. Make no mistake, this series will decide who takes the AL East. The Yankees need to take two out of three or face Boston disappearing over the horizon with the AL East title. A Boston sweep would pretty much end New Yorks chances of taking the pennant. The pitching matchups are superb, the positional players on display have enough side stories attached to them to populate an entire series of the Sopranos with intrigue. Finally, both fan bases are on edge, if online forums, blogs and message boards are anything to go by.
So with the upcoming series in mind, a look at the players that will feature most in the biggest series for both teams this side of 2004. Each player gets his own, somewhat suitable, quote from the movie 'Old School'. If you haven't seen it, well, too bad. Go rent it, it's a giggle. A hoot.
Frank: So what do you guys like better? Nurse or cheerleader?
Daisuke Matsuzaka - Has anyone figured out how many pitches Matsuzaka actually has to pick from? Seven? Nine? Twelve? Which do you like better? Cutter or Gyro Ball?
Beanie: Guys this is a very special occasion. The Godfather himself has decided to grace us with his presence. This is his damn house. He sleeps twenty feet away!
Josh Beckett - He may not be the Godfather but the blog 'Surving Grady' calls him 'Commander Kick Ass of the F#%k Yeah Brigade'. Possible CY Young candidate. Takes owners private jet to All Star games. Probably throws harder than you. That's 'Commander Kick Ass of the F#%k Yeah Brigade'.
Beanie: Well why don't you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife.
Curt Schilling - So, yeah. Schilling has announced he might be willing to pitch for Tampa next season. Curt appears to be heading into the back end of the season, one which will end with him a free agent, handing out business cards to prospective employers. Normally a Schilling fan, I now say, Curt, shut up and pitch.
Marissa: You know exactly what I mean. You've come along way since Frank the Tank and we don't want him coming back do we? Frank: Honey, Frank the Tank is not coming back, ok? That part of me is over. Water under the bridge. I promise.
Andy Pettite - On September 30, 2006 the Los Angeles Times reported that former relief pitcher Jason Grimsley, during a June 6, 2006 federal raid by federal agents investigating steroids in baseball, named Pettitte as a user of performance enhancing drugs. But hey, the entire world is ignoring the 'steroids in baseball' scandal so we can enjoy fat-head Barry Bonds smashing a few dingers. Awesome. Carry on so, I guess. Water under the bridge
Gordon Pritchard: Half these guys don't even go here and that one guy is like ninety!
Roger Clemens - A poor 5-5 record, an era bigger than Barry Bonds enormous, steroid fattened noggin and an inability to pitch past the sixth inning. If that isn't eighteen million well spent I don't know what value is anymore. Better yet, that one guy is like ninety!
''YOU'RE MY BOY BLUE! You're my boy.''
Chien-Ming Wang - From the 2006 season to the present, Chien-Ming Wang has more wins than any other pitcher in baseball. So Torre says to his Wang, ''YOU'RE MY BOY BLUE! You're my boy.''
Beanie: You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hangout with nineteen-year-old girls everyday?
A-Rod - Do you think A-Rod likes avoiding his wife and hanging out with busty blonds everyday?? ''As the doors to an elevator opened, he and the blond got in together, the witness said. The doors then closed, and they disappeared upstairs.'' Whatever happened to that story anyway? Got kinda swept under the carpet eh? Mr April, A-Rod, being photographed heading into a Gentleman's club in Toronto with a mystery woman. Maybe they were just hanging out.
Frank: Yeah, thanks. Took the restrictor plate off to give the Red Dragon some juice. But it ain't exactly street legal so keep it on the down low.
Jason Giambi - So MLB now says it's okay that Giambi took roids, which he admitted himself Hey, it ain't exactly street legal so keep it on the down low.
Beanie: Max, can you earmuff for me? We are going to get so much ass here, it's going to be sick. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass.
Derek Jeter - Right, pay attention. Jeter has had a well publicized relationship with pop diva Mariah Carey from 1997 to 1998. Jeter has also dated former Miss Universe Lara Dutta and actress Jordana Brewster. He was rumored to have dated actresses Scarlett Johansson, Gabrielle Union, Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba. He has also dated Brazilian Supermodel Adriana Lima; whom he did a commercial with. Jeter also had an on-and-off relationship with television personality Vanessa Minillo from late 2003 until early 2006. Most recently, Jeter had been linked to actress Jessica Biel. That's allot of ass. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass.
Frank: We're going streaking!
Robinson Cano - For Cano, right now, substitute streaking with s-l-u-m-p-i-n-g
Beanie: He's playing hardball. And I got to admit. I'm impressed.
Kevin Youkilis - Not many Red Sox fans were too happy with Youkilis taking the every day first base job at season start. Right now he is one of the most solid defensive first basemen in the majors and an on base machine.
Beanie: Frank here was staring at a white picket fence. Now he's single, he's broke, and has second-degree burns all over his body. And I see a spark in his eye that I haven't seen in fifteen years.
Mike Lowell - Lowell was an after thought in the Beckett/Hanley trade, a guy the Sox thought they would unload after one season. Then Lowell started hitting. Now there's talk of extensions and Iron-Mike ending his career in Boston. He has a sore hand, he is by no means broke and I don't know about the burns, but Lowell definitely has that spark back in his eye.
Beanie: Didn't we lock you in a dumpster? Gordon Pritchard: I got out.
Julio Lugo - Red Sox fans, a few short weeks ago, wanted to lock Julio Lugo in a dumpster. He got out. In style. Lugo is absolutely mashing the ball right now, and leads all AL shortstops in steals, crotch grabs and high fives.
Beanie: Six weeks ago Abdul here had a one-way ticket to an arranged marriage with a broad he never met in Bangladesh. Now he's crushing ass every Thursday night at our mixers.
Dustin Pedroia - Last season Pedroia was an afterthought. Early this season there were many, many calls for Tito to bench him in favour of Alex Cora. Now Dustin is probably one of the first names Tito pencils into his lineup.
Pedroia - Pretty big swing for a little guy
Peppers: Hey, hey. Careful with that. That's the most powerful tranq gun on the market. Got her in Mexico.
David Ortiz - New York will probably be very careful with Ortiz over the entire series. The fella they got to pitch to him, Myers, is gone, so they will have to approach with caution.
Frank: [laughs] Y-You're crazy, man. You're crazy. I like you, but you're crazy.
Manny Ramirez - We like him, but he's crazy.
Beanie: What about Mitch here? He saw the wheels come off his life, guys. His whole world crumbled. Now he's the Godfather.
Coco Crisp - Another of the Red Sox 2007 before/after rejuvenation stories. Coco had a horrible offensive start to the season and is now whacking everything around, hard, and has amazingly upped his batting average from .210 to .270 since the All Star break. Also survived being hit by a mascot in a golf cart. Seriously.
Mitch Martin: True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...
JD Drew - Apparently right fielders are hard to find, for Theo anyway. JD Drew, plainly put, is not what Boston expected.
Frank: Ill do one more! It tastes so good when it hits your lips.
Bobby Abreu - So did you know, Bobby is known as "El Comedulce" in Venezuela. The name roughly translate to "the candy-eater." Abreu received this moniker due to his penchant for the sweeter things in life. It tastes so good when it hits your lips
Mitch: So what are you? Campus security?
Gordon Pritchard: Try again.
Beanie: Jehovah Witness?
Gordon Pritchard: I'm the Dean. Dean Pritchard.
Melky Cabrera - Think Melky ever gets asked who he is when trying to get into a Manhattan nightclub?
Beanie: I'd like to welcome you all to the Mitch Martin Freedom Festival. Now for those of you who don't know who Mitch Martin is, he's the very successful, very disease free gentleman standing by the mini bar.
Johnny Damon - Someone needs to get Johnny Damon out of New York. He looks about as comfortable as George Bush answering questions from any crowd other than school kids. They need to hold a Johnny Damon Freedom Festival and let him grow his hair back. That's where his mojo is.
Beanie: Weensie, you're on lifeguard duty.
Weensie: Sir, I can't swim, sir.
Joba Chamberlin - Jabba, as he will eventually become known, is going to be asked to 'dive in at the deep end' and get some serious outs against the Red Sox. Sink or swim? Only next week's series will tell.
Therapist: Frank, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here. Frank: Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling.....what? what I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?
Mariano Rivera - With impending free agency and the possibility New York won't pay 10 million to retain the services of an ageing, almost 40 year old closer, doesn't it look like, deep down, Mo is feeling a little confused right now? Maybe he is thinking of how he might look in another teams threads. Whatever it is, right now he is getting shelled.
Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.
Kyle Farnsworth - he may as well go to Bed, Bath, & Beyond for the entire series, Torre isn't going to trust the man with the flattest fastball in Major League baseball with anything other than mop up duty.
Spanish: Damn, I don't wanna end up workin' at Red Lobster! Frat Brother: You already work at Red Lobster. Spanish: Yea, well its part time...dick.
Eric Gagne - Gagne is three or four bad appearances away from working at Red Lobster. Or pitching in the 5th inning with the Sox up ro down by ten. Either.
Frank: I had an awesome time! Beanie: I know that you had an awesome time. I think the entire town knows you had an awesome time.
Jon Papelbon - Papelbon is having an awesome time.
Mitch: I wasn't looking for a girl like that. Beanie: Well, Columbus wasn't looking for America, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone.
Hideki Okajima - No matter what the Red Sox front office says, they had zero clue Okie Dokie was going to be this good. It turned out to be pretty okay for everyone though.