Tough week ahead. When faced with a tough week, what better way to alleviate the tension than to incorporate some of the best and worst movie tag lines into your picks? Best read whilst imagining that deep gravelly voice of the guy that does the movie trailers.
Running total - 63-52 ATS
Week by week links at foot of column
Essential NFL pick links
- The Sports Guy (Bill Simmons)
- CNNSI Peter King weekly picks
- USA Today - Jon Saraceno
- USA Today - All staff picks
- ESPN expert picks
Atlanta Falcons (4-3) at Indianapolis Colts (0-8) +7.5
The game: Little Matty Ryan was having a down year. Then he met the Colts. From the makers of ‘My God we’re going to go 0-16’, this summer, if you see one team that will probably cover more easily than you expected, see the Falcons beat the demoralized Colts.
The score: Atlanta 34 Indianapolis 17
The Pick: Atlanta -7.5
New York Jets (4-3) at Buffalo Bills (5-2) -1.5
The game: Eddie Murphy breaks out the Klumps fat suits and spray paints them white to bring to life the incredible true story of the fat-mouth coach who spent his life vomiting out bland, moronic quotes about not kissing Superbowl rings, and then never actually wins one! Brought to you by the people who gave you ‘OH my God! This team is so over rated its stupid!’ and by the director who made ‘Buffalo, better than you think!’, don’t go anywhere this weekend if you don’t go to Buffalo -1.5. They will literally take your breath away (and the ball too, they love turn-overs).
The score: New York J 24 Buffalo 26
The Pick: Buffalo -1.5
Cleveland Browns (3-4) at Houston Texans (5-3) -10.5
The game: Some people in life take what they want. Others take what they can get. Others just sit around eating popcorn. If you are as confused by this inane tagline as we are, then you are probably thinking about the Houston Texans. What exactly is their story? Will they be playing evil super villains this week, or awesome, shiny super heroes?
The score: Cleveland 17 Houston 34
The Pick: Houston -10.5
Seattle Seahawks (2-5) at Dallas Cowboys (3-4) -12.5
The game: No mercy. No Shame. No sequel. (Poor Seattle! Angry Dallas gonna get medieval on their ass!)
The score: Seattle 13 Dallas 36
The Pick: Dallas -12.5
Miami Dolphins (0-7) at Kansas City Chiefs (4-3) -6.5
The game: They were dead. But they got better. Well actually, they didn’t. This summer, if you see two teams go 0-16, see the Dolphins and Colts.
The score: Miami 13 Kansas 27
The Pick: Kansas -6.5
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-3) at New Orleans Saints (5-3) -7.5
The game: Controversy, what controversy? Normal service resumed in New Orleans.
The score: Tampa 24 New Orleans 38
The Pick: New Orleans -7.5
San Francisco 49ers (6-1) at Washington Redskins (3-4) +3.5
The game: We've Sensed It. We've Seen The Signs. Now... It's Happening. The 49ers are actually good.
The score: San Fran 24 Washington 17
The Pick: San Fran -3.5
Cincinnati Bengals (5-2) at Tennessee Titans (4-3) -2.5
The game: Science created him, now Chuck Norris must destroy him. Or fix him, I mean. What on earth is up with Chris Johnson?
The score: Cincinnati 21 Tennessee 24
The Pick: Tennessee -2.5
Denver Broncos (2-5) at Oakland Raiders (4-3) -7.5
The game: Lose hard? Lose harder. This summer, if you see one team get absolutely pummeled by another that senses blood in the water, see the Broncos absolutely diabolical excuse for a team get ripped to shreds by the Raiders.
The score: Denver 20 Oakland 40
The Pick: Oakland -7.5
Green Bay Packers (7-0) at San Diego Chargers (4-3) +5.5
The game: Nobody said they could do it. Maybe they can’t. But they possibly could. And one thing in life is sure, that’s probably too many points to give a decent home dog.
The score: Green Bay 30 San Diego 27
The Pick: San Diego +5.5
St. Louis Rams (1-6) at Arizona Cardinals (1-6) -4.5
The game: The greatest story ever told! The greatest entertainment experience of a lifetime! The only thing more terrifying than the last minute of this game is the preceding 59!!
The score: St Louis 0 Arizona 6
The Pick: Arizona -4.5
New York Giants (5-2) at New England Patriots (5-2) -8.5
The game: Some memories are best forgotten. Like the time I woke up on a beach in Mexico after that Superbowl. Revenge. It’s a dish best served cold.
The score: New York G 27 New England 38
The Pick: New England -8.5
Baltimore Ravens (5-2) at Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2) -3.5
The game: The fastest hands in the East (Well, South) meets the biggest mouth in the West (Well, North)! The bout to knock the other guy out. The thrilla in Manilla. The rumble in the jungle. Be amazed as Ray Lewis turns easy tackles into circus acts! Be stunned as The Head and shoulders guy in the Pittsburgh secondary drops easy interceptions while he counts his hair care endorsement checks! If you see one game this weekend, this might, all sarcasm aside, be the one to see.
The score: Baltimore 17 Pittsburgh 32
The Pick: Pittsburgh -3.5
Chicago Bears (4-3) at Philadelphia Eagles (3-4) -6.5
The game: They have a plan. But not a clue. The movie about the Bears offensive plan, get it?
The score: Chicago 20 Philadelphia 34
The Pick: Philadelphia -6.5
Week one - 11-4
Week two - 12-4
Week three - 6-10
Week four - 10-6
Week five - 7-6
Week six - 4-9
Week seven 6-7
Week eight - 7-6