S.A.M.M - The Boston Red Sox/'The Hangover' 'Sox in crisis' review; Part Two!

S.A.M.M - The Boston Red Sox/'The Hangover' 'Sox in crisis' review
Part Two - The Pitching staff
(Part one here)

The continuation of Boston Irish's 'panic stations' review of the Sox, in a Fox New 'Crisis in Red Sox Nation' style! It's always good to freak out a little and panic about things, right? Keeps an even keel. The cute little Screaming Homer symbols by each players name indicate just how worried the good citizens of Red Sox Nation should be worried about that player. Out of five. So, for example, we are really, really worried about Dice-K (we attributed four Screaming Homer symbols to him below). Enough with the wibbling and the warbling. On to the piece.

Previous S.A.M.M articles
Old School
Out of Sight
Stranger than fiction

The Pitchers

Alan Garner: Oh, you know what? Next week's no good for me... The Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it's totally fine.
Daniel Bard
Just the one Screaming Homer panic symbol here, and that only because seeing as Bard is a rookie, you just never know. Bard is suddenly a key part of the Red Sox pen. That this has happened in the last part of the season is exciting, worrying and engaging, all at the same time. Bard is now the most interesting of the Sox young guns, narrowly supplanting Jacoby, who seems like a veteran at this stage.

''I think he's kind of a sweetheart''

Stu: "Everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass, but I think he's kind of a sweetheart."
Alan: "I think he's mean."
Jon Lester - Once Johnny L finishes working on his mean streak, he is going to be a hellacious pitcher. If you think how relatively little short on MLB experience he is, and measure that up against his superb results to date, the sky is really the limit for this young man. He just needs to work on that mean streak, and pound the zone. By the by, how incredibly smooth was Mike Tyson's showing in The Hangover? How good a sign of an individual is it that they are willing to poke fun at themselves to that extent? Assuming Tyson was actually poking fun at himself, and that wasn't his real entourage. And Tiger. Sneaky funny moment in the movie, Alan actually riding the Tiger in CCTV footage from Tyson's mansion.

Old Man: This is one sweet ride.
[commenting on the Mercedes as Alan is pumping the gas
Alan Garner: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Don't look at me.
Alan Garner: [old man walks away] That's right. You better walk on. I'll hit an old man in public!
Josh Beckett - If an old man riled Beckett up in public, he would probably hit him. The Sox ace is rounding into form nicely, pitching some dominating innings as we crawl towards the business end of the season. Zero Screaming Homer panic symbols required.

Alan Garner: Hey what's that on your arm?
Stu Price: Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I guess I was.
Alan Garner: Are you okay?
Daisuke Matsuzaka
A solid four out of five Screaming Homer panic symbols for this young chap. The story of Dice-K's 2009 season to date? In 35 innings the lad has allowed an overwhelming 78 base runners. Should we be extra worried that little or no information appears to be forthcoming on his attempts to make it back to the bigs? Could almost have gone five Screaming Homer panic symbols here.

Phil Wenneck: You're not really wearing that are you?
Alan Garner: Wearing what?
Phil Wenneck: The man purse. You actually gunna wear that or are you just fuck'n with me?
Alan Garner: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Phil Wenneck: So does Joy Behar.
Brad Penny -
You're not really wearing that are you?

The New York Mets, The New York Yankees, The Atlanta Braves, any of the dredges of the AL or the NL, just a few of the teams that would absolutely love to have Brad Penny as their fifth starter. This has been a success story all the way round. Now, if Penny could go a little deeper into games, it could become a roaring success of a move.

The infamous Wolfpack speech

Alan Garner: You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!
Ramon Ramirez
Does anyone know anything about this one man Wolf Pack? Still and all, every time he pitches he seems to strike somebody out on something nasty down in the zone. Could be a particularly sneaky, sexy, secret weapon in the playoffs, if the Sox make it that far.

Alan Garner: Hey guys, when's the next Haley's comet?
Phil Wenneck: Who cares, man.
Alan Garner: Do you know Stu?
Stu Price: I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something.
Alan Garner: But it's not tonight right?
Stu Price: No I don't think so.
Alan Garner: But you don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Haley's comet.
Tim Wakefield
Wake is about as old as Haley's comet, but is still trucking. The two Screaming Homer panic symbols are present on the basis that Wakefield is older than the hills and could break down physically at any moment. The guy is still getting deep into games and helping the Sox chew up vital innings. His presence make some of Penny's oddly effective yet short five-and-dives infinitely more palatable.

Male Officer to Alan: "Not you, fat Jesus."
Manny Delcarmen
Doesn't it seem that the Sox are kind of saying "Not you, fat Jesus." to Manny Del C in terms of giving him a serious role at the backend of the pen? I know he gets the occasional 7th inning job, and has poked his head out every now and then at the end of games, however with the pure 'stuff' Delcarmen has, isn't it worth pushing him a little, giving him some crazy tough spots and seeing how he performs?

See where 'The Hangover' placed in the Boston Irish top 30 comedies of the last decade piece!

Phil Wenneck: [his answering machine message] Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don't, but do me a favor - don't text me, it's gay.
Jonathan Papelbon - 72% sure this is actually Papelboners answering machine message, switching Jon for Phil. Note, zero Screaming Homer panic symbols.

Phil Wenneck: Would you shut up and drive before these nerds ask me another question. Who's this?
Doug Billings: It's Alan. Tracy's brother.
Alan Garner: I met you like four times.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?
Takashi Saito
We have met Saito more than four times however doesn't it seem like there is still so much to learn about the lad? Strange, strange and powerful feeling Saito is going to have a big role to play in the late season or playoffs, in either a good or a bad way. Vague yes, but just watch, it's going to happen. Remember that you heard it here first.

Alan Garner: I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! He destroys cities! I hate Godzilla!
Hideki Okajima - really nothing to worry about here, at all. Okie Dokie is effective against both left and right handed batters, and continues to be a very trust worthy part of Tito's bullpen.

Previous S.A.M.M articles

See where 'The Hangover' placed in the Boston Irish top 30 comedies of the last decade piece!